I Regret to Inform You That I Am Your Valentine

Photo Credit: Nicole Javorsky

Photo Credit: Nicole Javorsky

By Gary Bernard

Hello, my name is Gary. It’s awfully nice to make your acquaintance. But I’m afraid we may already off to a bad start, as I must admit have some unfortunate news. I regret to inform you that I am your valentine.

This has been a difficult cuffing season for all of us, and I hope you’ll believe me when I tell you that this wasn’t an easy decision, but was rather the result of serious and careful deliberation. I’m sure you know there are a ton of great guys out there who would be thrilled to have the chance to date someone like you. Unfortunately, none of them are your valentine; I am.

I’m sure this news will be met with disappointment. If it’s any consolation, I give a halfway-decent foot rub (though I do have to stop after about three minutes on account of my rheumatoid arthritis). I say we just try and get through it so we can both get back to our regular lives.

Please understand that our Valentine’s plans are final.

My Sincerest Apologies.

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