LERNER – On Thursday, between bites of still-beating human heart, mid-level bureaucrat Nancy Mondina granted a request from Columbia’s Aquatic Equestrian Society to nearly double their allocation for the spring semester. The approval came as welcome news to Christina Applebaum, the club’s president. “I really didn’t think that we would get the funding. To deliver the application form, we had to climb into this dark pit and sacrifice one of our members on financial aid. When that claw emerged from the abyss and snapped the allocation form out of my hand, I just figured that would be the last I heard on the matter.”
Mondina’s approval enables the club to purchase the latest, top of the line seahorse saddles. “The diverse set of interests at this University is a vital part of what makes our Columbia community great,” the administrator shrieked out of her dripping beak as she swallowed a mouse whole. When asked whether this allocation was the best use of the University’s funding, she clarified: “As administrators, our job is not to make qualitative judgments about what is and is not the correct set of interests for our students to pursue. We need to enable students to pursue their passions, whatever that may be.” She then sunk her talons into the skull of a captive goat and began to suck the animal’s life force out to revitalize herself.
Blood drunk from the fresh kill, she offered a frank assessment of another point of contention on campus—compensation of dining hall staff. “Of course we sympathize with the very real challenges that our staff face. However, their parents aren’t donating to the university. I would recommend they enroll as students and form a club in order to secure any additional funding they might need.”
As of press time, Mondina was seen microwaving the leftovers of former Feditor-in-Chief Adam Kelly-Penso as she read through an FTF request.