That’s right, I’m in Spec. I went to the meeting during NSOP, and they even accepted me—right there on the spot! But soon after our first meeting, I began to feel my face being drawn, as if by a magnet, towards my anal cavity. I didn’t notice at first, for I simply walked with the same stooped head that affects so many Columbia students. But as I continued to opine about low-level administrators and think about my uphill path to the title of Deputy News Editor for Campus News, it became increasingly difficult to resist the allure of my rear. At this point, I found that I could only feel comfortable with the tip of my nose resting snugly in my sphincter.
Yes, my editors posted my first op-ed—a scathing condemnation of the University’s bureaucracy and its inability to provide for the basic needs of its students ($60,000 in tuition, and we can’t even get free protein shakes at Dodge? What kind of a school is this?). But the day my article went to print (six likes on Facebook!), the pull grew stronger yet. It was no longer enough to have my cheekbones gently tickled by my ass hair. I had to go all the way. As I eagerly awaited the systematic University reforms surely to follow from my piece, my entire face bored deep into my colon.
At first, it was nice. I had a real insider’s perspective on what makes a thought leader on this campus; my potential for ascent within the Spectator was never greater. But all this came at a cost. I have been unable to change clothes, keeping me from wearing any of my club t-shirts—I need to verbally explain to passing campus tours how active I am on campus. My contortion has also harmed my career prospects. With my head jammed so far up my own ass, how could I also stick my head up my boss’s ass?
I write this editorial to raise awareness for a condition affecting a significant fraction of the Columbia student body. While it is the administration’s responsibility to provide appropriate medical care to the many of us in need of a colocraniectomy, we students must also do our part. Please, donate to my Gofundme so I can get back to uncovering administrative bloat, decrying the Greek system, and enacting profound change for our community. OH GOD IT GOT TIGHTER.