Study: Floorcest Leads to Genetic Defects

JOHN JAY 805 AND 806 – Derived from the Latin “floorcastus” meaning “thirsty behavior,” floorcest has become taboo. New research suggests this designation is warranted, as there is a major correlation between proximity of lovers’ dorms and the number of chromosomes in their child. While some don’t find a problem with Floorcest, Columbia Res Life has condemned the practice. Residential Advisors are calling it “abhorrent,” “just a bit awkward” and “better than cry-wanks at one in the morning on Thursdays.”

Graduate student Daniel Qiu GSAS ‘17 recently conducted extensive non-peer reviewed research into the actual medical consequences of committing floorcest. “While floorcest provides no actual risk for those involved,” said Qiu, “babies conceived through floorcest have been known to possess both mental and physical disabilities, though they of course have a huge leg up on admissions.”

One notable case is that of 1 year old Bryan Fredricks CC ‘37, conceived last February on Furnald 6. Although Bryan’s mother refused to comment, The Fed managed to speak to the father, Josh Fredricks SEAS ‘18, at his room in Sig Nu:

“We were warned against Floorcest by our RA,” he said, “but when it gets past Christmas and you’re living in Furnald, you don’t have many choices for a winter boo.”

While young Bryan’s disabilities haven’t been officially diagnosed, he has shown signs of being a true Furnald resident, wincing directly at the sun, and crawling through air ducts to gain access to Carman parties. Though some scientific authorities say this is a consequence of floorcest, others have suggested that Bryan’s condition is a result of being raised in a fraternity. In response, Bryan’s father Josh stated that science was for “narcs.”