ALERT: Lee Bollinger Escapes from Captivity

COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY – President Bollinger has reportedly escaped from his enclosure, according to a report from Columbia Vice President of Public Safety James McShane.

As of press time, officials have not determined how the president got loose from his habitat, one of the more costly and technologically advanced Presidential enclosures on any college campus in the United States.

“He had to have scaled the wall,” said a visibly shaken McShane at an impromptu press conference late last night. “We’re looking into it but we can’t rule out tampering at this point.”

McShane urged caution should any members of the Columbia community encounter him before he is apprehended.

“It goes without saying that Bollinger is dangerous,” warned McShane. “First and foremost, if you come across him, the most important thing is that you remain calm and contact Public Safety, and under no circumstances should you attempt to unionize.”