First-Year Wins “Least Employable” at Career Fair

LERNER HALL – For the 30th consecutive year, a first-year student in Columbia College has been widely declared the least employable individual at the fall career fair.

When contacted, Alan Star-Parson CC ‘20 gushed, “I knew when I decided to be a comparative literature major I had a chance to do something special, but it was really my philosophy concentration that made me believe the sky was the limit.”

Star-Parson is the latest in the long line of first-years to be denied even a conversation from every employer booth, and even failed to grab the free swag that each company is so eager to pass out. As of press time, analysts forecast both a meteor strike and a nuclear winter before he finishes paying his tuition.