MILBANK HALL – In a press conference this morning, Barnard College President Debora Spar confirmed rumors that she has kidnapped Malia Obama and his holding her in an undisclosed dorm room somewhere on the Upper West Side of Manhattan.
After visiting Barnard during a college tour in 2015, Malia announced that she had selected Harvard for her undergraduate studies last week, a decision Spar dubbed “a bold and beautiful mistake.”
“We can’t afford another Emma Watson situation,” said Spar. “Every famous young woman should go to Barnard, and Malia is the boldest of them all. I must have her for my collection, and have her I will.”
Spar added, “Malia is going to lean in if it’s the last thing she ever does.”
The Barnard admissions office is reportedly reviewing Malia’s desperate application to defer for a gap year.