Columbia Adopts Common Core

HAMILTON HALL — Last September, Columbia University’s educators convened to vote on the implementation of the Common Core, a new set of educational standards that has been sweeping public schools nationwide. Columbia is the first university to adopt Common Core, but students and faculty protest this decision, insisting that the Core has adverse health consequences because of its unreasonable academic standards.

“It’s tough. I read at a junior-year grade level, but Common Core expects me to read at a senior-year grade level,” says Brody Lucan, CC ‘17. “It’s unreasonable. Most of these words aren’t even archaic greek terms describing complex, untranslatable concepts.”

Lucan is not alone in his struggle; in fact, the number of Columbia students turning to CPS and nightline to deal with Common Core’s accompanying stress has increased by 45%.

“This new change has traumatized the students. Testing has increased from 100% to 150%!” says Anne Jen, a psychologist at CPS. “The Common Core was first implemented in elementary and middle schools, and many distressed elementary school students have vomited and defecated during testing. What makes the administration think that over-caffeinated college students won’t do the same? I shouldn’t be dealing with human feces; my job only requires me to deal with other kinds of student shit.”