Econ-cardio atrophius: Nearly all of Columbia’s econ majors suffer from this devastating condition wherein the act of consistently subordinating the needs of society to personal wealth causes the heart to atrophy. Common side effects include altered mental status associated with monetary obsession, frequent use of the phrase “devil’s advocate,” and a visceral reaction to images of Senator Bernie Sanders.
Common symptoms are living vicariously through Instagram posts, touch deprivation, lucid dreaming about a life without your blue light glasses, and crying. If you find yourself experiencing these, please reach out to Columbia Health Services to make an appointment as soon as possible.
5. Bear Grylls
Pros: Very knowledgeable about surviving in uninhabitable environments, very applicable to NYC
Cons: Bold, but not beautiful
“At first I thought it was odd that she’d go to John Jay to eat, when the food’s much better on this side of Broadway,” said Margo’s roommate, Prudence Yao, BC‘22. “But when I saw her chomping on a Nature Valley wrapper in the middle of the night, it clicked. Margo is totally two raccoons in a trench coat ”
He attached the link to his Tik Tok account, “WAP with Beck Hall.” WAP standing for “Watch and Probe,” that is.
When the Columbia Federalist reached out to Williams for comment, he explained “Yeah, I know it’s the second day of classes, but I’ve already mapped out all of my courses for the next four years and I just love rubbing that in everyone’s face.” Williams is convinced that he won’t develop any new interests.
“We are a pretty social dorm,” Kelvin bragged bashfully, “Before I went into hibernation, we organised a floor outing to see the Battle of the Bands in Lerner Party Space— our usual spot— and even stayed there until past 10pm to see the main act.
Although Trump ignored RBG’s dying wish of being replaced after the election, she can rest easy knowing her replacement is not only from the “very disgraceful, liberal institution” where she went to law school, but he’s the president.
To whomever is reading this: I am a cold, soggy-ass, lonely fucking slice of chickpea pizza. I was “baked” on March 10th (originally frozen a year prior). I used to gleefully bask in the cozy warmth of the Ferris heating lamps, lying in a puddle of my own grease.
The email continued “Although Justice Ginsberg may have begun law school at Harvard and only transferred to Columbia to accommodate her husband’s new job, her diploma says ‘Columbia’ so we get to claim her as an alumna.”
“The appearance of the law must be upheld— especially when it is being broken.”
Thought this was a murmuring about Columbia graduate students being evicted and losing their funding during a global pandemic? Common mistake, no, it’s classic Boss Tweed chit-chat.
A first-year CC student, who has opted to remain anonymous, has denied any wrongdoing. He claimed to Federalist reporters that “[he] was just trying to make things as close to real life at Columbia,” one in which Barnard students need sign-ins to parties.
Barnard students, once promised a sweet, sweet, robust, multi-million-dollar, testing regime, are left to fuck themselves with a Hitachi wand. Instead, Columbia donated Barnard’s shipment of fucks to NYU under the circumstances that NYU will not use said fucks for student health.
This morning Pres Daddy Bo and Pres Daddy Hamilton announced a historic merger of their respective universities: Columbia and NYU. This marks a pivotal moment in the histories of both institutions, which have since combined under the name “New York University in the City of New York.”
4. Biting your lip continuously for three minutes straight. The science is there folks: biting your lip for extended periods of time actually restricts blood flow to your lips and sends it directly to your brain, increasing your brain power by a whopping three percent, just enough to have that edge on your classmates (or at least to keep up with them).
Band, this one can’t be bandaged: there’s been a bunch of banter recently ‘bout your banditry and abuse. It’s got me thinking, should the once-banned band be banned yet again and banished from all the land?
We’re pleased to announce that we will be sending you everything you need to host an NSOP rager at home.
Jensen had been frequenting JJ’s since his first semester at Columbia, when the smell of greasy, heart attack-inducing food lured him from his John Jay single at 4 A.M.
“We’re aware that the CDC recommends 14 days, but we figured an extra week would really scare them into being safe,” wrote President Bollinger on page 17 of his email.
Featuring weighty historical figures such as President Lee Bollinger, Dean Mary Boyce, and Dean James Valentini, this work is hoped to stir the same questions as the rest of the rigorous Literature Humanities curriculum.
Who needs to leave home and make new friends when you can participate in never-ending awkward ice breakers supervised by upperclassmen?”
President Bollinger wrote, “The extraordinary efforts of our white students, faculty, and staff have made our relentless endeavor towards gentrification a reality. Though the COVID-19 pandemic tests our willpower, we are determined as ever to replace a once vibrant Harlem community with Columbia’s sprawling capitalist enterprise”
Ivy+ has acquired the rights to produce a mini-series called Finals vs. Eating Clubs, a film about Alexander Hamilton that Lin-Manuel Miranda has stressed he has no affiliation with, and a documentary series focusing on the difficulties of attending Harvard called I Go to School in Cambridge.
Following President Lee Bolligner’s announcement that the Fall semester will be fully online, Columbia Dining has unveiled a brand new, virtual dining plan to keep milking accommodate students who will not return to campus next month.
“Next season is looking very promising for us,” Declares Columbia Football Coach after every other School Cancels Season
SSOL Crashing: Once every pandemic, Columbia decides to open the gates of the virtual gladiatorial colosseum that is the SSOL registration page, allowing students to fight over precious Zoom spots in Sunil Gulati’s Principles of Economics class. This modern-day tragedy of the commons leaves students helpless after the registrar’s servers overheat.
“As you know, I am the Vice President of Public Safety at Columbia. Unfortunately, my job has been incredibly boring these past few months. Everyone stuck at home means no crimes, and no crime means no Clery Crime Alerts.”
Make friends and have sex
While the exact details are yet to be finalised, it is rumored that the class will be taught by Barack Obama—our famous alum who, as an international from Kenya, quit smoking nearly a decade ago.
“Screw it, turn it in whenever you want! It’s not like thousands of students are hanging onto your every word or anything,” the email read.