On Thursday the CDC issued a statement about the Delta Phi Epsilon COVID strain, warning that at 69%, it has the highest fratality rate of any known virus to date.
Inferno: Canto I
Midway upon the journey of our life
I found myself within a forest dark,
For the straightforward pathway had been lost.
“This is too firm, it can’t be real.”
Vaccinations are up, cases are down, and Hot Girl Summer is here. Want to get steamy this summer? The Fed and, more importantly, Columbia Housing have your back.
“The bedroom where I wrote my admissions essay on how thrilled I would be to study the Iliad is the same room where I cried as I tried to get through the Iliad. Yeah, I’m no sophomore,” a member of the class of 2024 explained.
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Dearest Lonely Lovers and Lovely Loners,
We at The Fed are delighted to hail in the new(ish) year with our Valentine’s issue of 2021, bringing you tales of triumph and defeat in the romantic arena—from Dr. Jill Biden’s sexual prowess to first years poring over Pride and Prejudice for the slightest chance of a tingle.
When asked by Federalist reporters about her dedication to clean eating, Woods replied, “My body is a temple. It’s important to respect it by avoiding harmful products.” She then whipped out a Whole Foods gift card, used it to cut voluptuous lines of the finest Colombian cocaine, and snorted so powerfully it sounded like an AMBER Alert.
Looking for the shortest possible commute? Carlton Arms, a little-known dorm sitting neatly between Hartley and Wallach, is beloved by Columbia students for its convenient location! Do note that looking up “Carlton Arms” on Google Maps will take you to another apartment building of the same name half a mile away from campus.
When Jerry and Kramer switch rooms, it causes a whole bunch of trouble for the gang! But this trouble still isn’t anywhere close to the lifelike robots that rebel against their creators in Westworld!
Resident Girl in Red fan reports, “At first I thought my gaydar might be off and she was actually just straight, but then I saw her Chai Iced Latte. I mean, no straight woman EVER orders a Chai Iced Latte.”
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“Was I hoping to be president? Sure. But as anyone who knows me can attest, I’ve always said, ‘If I can’t be president, then I’d want to be a dead ghost roaming the Hogwarts bathroom.’”
5. Gaseous state
At the undergraduate level, most vaccine decisions will be made based on major. A leaked list of majors shows that economics, computer science, physics, and mechanical engineering students will receive the vaccine within weeks. Visual arts, complit, and music majors will be last. As of now, there is no plan to vaccinate Russian Literature students.
Gone are the days of performance evaluations and career fairs. Now, I focus on ensuring my Sim prepares a Michelin star meal every night for her breadwinning husband.
Trump’s inability to take on the Hazing in 2017, after Obama joined the Accords in 2016, previously cost the US membership. Sources have relayed that he proved himself to be “a bit of a lightweight” and “an overall wuss”.
Cruz, a notable Zodiac Killer impersonator who is a little too good at his job, told Federalist reporters he had a really really good reason for his vacation. (Our reporters would have written it down if they weren’t stressing about how Cruz was probably going to make a skin suit out of them.)
Econ-cardio atrophius: Nearly all of Columbia’s econ majors suffer from this devastating condition wherein the act of consistently subordinating the needs of society to personal wealth causes the heart to atrophy. Common side effects include altered mental status associated with monetary obsession, frequent use of the phrase “devil’s advocate,” and a visceral reaction to images of Senator Bernie Sanders.
After pleading with Eric for insight on his difficult courseload, he gave in, emphasizing his charitability in “advising plebeians.” With vigor in his eyes, he revealed, “I haven’t slept in three days, this is my twelfth cup of coffee, and I spent $300 on various amphetamines this week.”
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