Columbia’s Only Newspaper That Stole Your Airpods

Volume XXXIX • Issue 1 • October 2021

From the issue:

  • Graphic by Reza Shayesteh

    1020 to Shut Its Doors Permanently 

  • Columbia Reassures Students Hacked Data “Hasn’t Changed Much Since It Was Last Leaked”

  • Alma Mater Photo Op

  • Reasons Why I Wasn’t At My Friday 8:40

  • email GUARANTEED to get you off that waitlist

  • SIPA to Offer New Master’s Degree in “Sir, Yes Sir!” Starting 2026

  • Columbia Announces Commencement Speaker, Entire Class Nods Respectfully While Secretly Googling “Who Is This Man”

  • fuck the library

  • Columbia Dining Replaces All Fruit with Wax Fruit

  • Deployment to Iran Now Fulfills Global Core Requirement

  • Frat Gets a Dog, Declares “We’re Animal Rights Advocates Now”

  • Guy in Butler With Eight Monitors is Also Scrolling Reels

  • Uris to Add Three-Person Tables

  • Help, My Mom Rejected My Internship Application

  • UNICEF to Host “Shirt Drive” for Men on Lawns

  • From the Editorial Board of The Sundial: Why the Strait Being Closed is Good for Bipartisanship

  • Broadway Arsonist Struggles to Find Housing After Successfully Burning Down Broadway

  • Students Horrified after Connecting Clery Crime Alert about Public Masturbation to Uris Pool Closure Announcement

  • HELP! I Got Stuck Under the Construction for the Commencement Bleachers

  • BREAKING: Columbia Students Form Human Chain on Low Steps through the Power of Friendship