Guy Who ‘Knows a Spot’ Takes You to Joe Coffee

On a crisp Monday afternoon, as the falling leaves scattered across Low Steps, I ran into a boy. Tastefully dressed in SigEp merchandise, a long trench coat layered over his specially printed homecoming t-shirt, and an enchanting European accent, he barreled right into me. I was so startled that I accidentally dropped my Principles of Economics textbook. He gracefully swept it off the ground and bestowed it in my arms. “I also fuck with Econ,” he whispered in my ear. 

We hit it off immediately. He walked me all the way to Schermerhorn and we discussed family (his dad owns Deutsche Bank), friends (“You have to try doing cool drugs in my frat basement sometime, it’s so fucking cool!”), and he’s single (but hooking up with three of my friends). He was so sweet and genuine, unlike any boy I’d ever met before, and he has to be smart if he goes here, right? 

He finally asked me on a date while we waited thirty minutes for the Schermerhorn elevator. He said he knew somewhere special as he placed his hand on the small of my back in a public classroom building and looked me in the eye while murmuring in his endearing European accent that “They serve the most incredible coffee you’ll ever try.” He was so prestigious and worldly, and I felt so small in his eyes. 

The next day he met me on Low Steps because he said my dorm was way too far to pick me up from. He walked me approximately one minute across campus to Joe Coffee. It was so original and thoughtful. I think I am in love with him.