I Love Everything About My New Roommate Except For The Fact That He’s a Chimpanzee Wearing Sunglasses

I’ve heard a lot of roommate horror stories over the years, but this isn’t one of them. My roommate is nice, quiet, respectful of my personal space, and he keeps the dorm perfectly neat. He keeps me company when I’m upset, and he gives me room when I just want to be alone, and even lent me a spare hairbrush when I left mine at home. There’s just one small thing that bothers me, though. I think he might be a chimp wearing sunglasses.

I first noticed this when I walked into my room and saw only a Ray-Ban adorned Chimpanzee sitting on the windowsill. I gave an awkward hello, and he reached out his hand; I cautiously shook it, and he grunted with glee. I thought surely this must be some kind of mix-up, as I’ve heard Columbia housing sometimes has some issues with roommate assignments. However, nobody seemed to believe me.

After I introduced my best friend to my chimpanzee roommate, I pulled her aside to ask if she noticed anything off about him. She conceded that he can be a bit quiet and hard to understand at times, but she laughed me off when I told her that he’s literally a monkey. Trying desperately to get her to believe me, I walked over to my roommate and yanked his sunglasses off. My friend looked him up and down, just shrugged, and said, “Well, everybody has their quirks.”

The next night, I woke up from my sleep to see my roommate sleep-swinging around the room. I thought that Columbia Housing must have some rule about allowing students to cover their ceilings with vines, but when I called them about this they said my roommate was acting perfectly within the behavioral guidelines.

I really have nothing against the guy; he’s been very respectful to me. I think I just might prefer a roommate who’s a little more human. If anyone out there is looking to swap rooms, please let me know!