“When We Go Low, You Go High”: Low Steps Contact Highs Lower Seasonal Depression Rates by 40 Percent

Graphic by Macey Stancato

For those looking for the positive effects of climate change, look no further! Research conducted through the Office of Environmental Health and Safety, released earlier this week, shows that contact highs on Low Steps were up by 300% in March as a result of unseasonably warm weather. This lowered seasonal depression rates by an astounding 50% among self-identified marijuana smokers and 30% among non-smokers who visited Low Steps on a day when the temperature exceeded 58 degrees Fahrenheit. 

This new “Low Microclimate” has been so remarkable that Columbia Psychological Services is now referring patients directly to Low Steps. When asked for comment, Director of Columbia Counseling and Psychological Services Lee C. Bollinger said, “We understand that many are questioning this new referral process. We recognize that Low Steps is not an appropriate treatment option for every student; we are also referring some students to try edibles.”

Those seeking the edible option through Counseling and Psychological Services should contact “Gabe” at (666) 420-6969. Walk-in treatment is available at the corner of Amsterdam and 109th Street between the hours of 1:00 AM and 3:00 AM.