Columbia Student Newspapers Investigate New Distribution Methods

After the success of the Columbia Independent’s new under-door distribution model, the Spectator, Federalist, and Barnard Bulletin have formed a blue-ribbon commission to find new and engaging methods for getting their publications into the hands of students. The following preliminary report, recently released for public comment, outlines a few proposed strategies:

  • Airdrops (electronic)
    • Quick and reliable but distance-dependent. Would require separate system for Android users.
  • Airdrops (literal)
    • Efficient but cost-ineffective. Unworkable, barring large drop in fuel prices.
  • Recognizing the oneness of all things and that, in a way, the papers are already distributed
    • Likely a tactic by the Federalist representatives to end the meeting early. Still worth considering.
  • Scrappy boys with grey flat caps yelling “Extra, extra, read all about it!”
    • Highly effective but prone to mischief. Will blow off work to play stickball, smoke cigars, or drink from brown jugs marked “XXX.” Might attract theater kids auditioning for Newsies—would really have to weigh the risk-reward ratio. 
  • Skywriting
    • High levels of public visibility but limited space. Would therefore require significant content downsizing. See Airdrops (literal) vis-à-vis fuel prices.
  • Hiding USB drives in all of our mouths and kissing it to people
    • Strictly no tongue. Likely off-putting to consumers. Also problematic from a public health perspective.
  • Paying other, smarter people to think of something
    • Also possibly a tactic by the Federalist representatives, though it seems to have been a sincere suggestion. Cost-prohibitive in any case.
  • Blending the papers and mixing them into dining hall food
    • It is medically unwise to eat large amounts of newsprint. Also relies on a shaky understanding of what distribution is.