New York’s Hottest Club Is: Columbia Health Clinic

Graphic by Olivia Ruble

If you love a slutty little runny nose and sultry wet cough, I have just the place for you: New York’s hottest club is the Columbia Health Clinic. Located on the most liminal floor of John Jay, these sanitary halls are perfect for your Kubrick-esque daydreams, almost as if you, too, are indulging in all work and no play (too real?). 

This place has everything (except appointments): green chairs, Prezbo’s elusive wife, the guy that licked your face in a sensual way two days ago and probably gave you this dreaded lurgy. Plus, you can totally impress your doctor when you gag, kick, and scream every time they swab your throat, which will have everyone in that waiting room thinking, “I’ll have what she’s having!” And when the doctor looks away, don’t forget to stock up on as many rubber gloves and cough drops as you can. You’ll need those for later, when you fill the rubber glove with cough drops and swing it around for an unencumbered moment of holiday joy.