Columbia Announces That Midterms Will Begin During NSOP Next Year

This morning, Columbia announced that the majority of its classes will be giving students a midterm during NSOP. When asked how freshmen would even know which ones to take since they wouldn’t be registered for classes yet, the university stated that they can simply “take all of them,” a policy consistent with NSOP’s mission of bloating schedules as much as physically possible. Our sources on the inside have mixed reports on the rationale behind the change, with some saying that the school wants to appear more rigorous to improve its reputation after recent hits, while other insiders and students alike share different ideas.

“Clearly the Columbia administration can’t do math,” claimed one SEAS senior. “I think they genuinely believe that NSOP is the middle of the term. I mean, early October clearly isn’t, so this wouldn’t be a huge change. Also, I have like 3 fucking midterms for calc. For as much as I diss Lit Hum, maybe some of you need to learn what the word middle actually means.”

“Can’t stop, won’t stop, NSOP is not just a catchphrase, it’s a visionary mission statement to us,” responded a dean of student life. “You all were so excited to go to the city that never sleeps, so it’s about time you own up to it.” 

Recent reports have it that high school seniors across the world are rapidly writing of their adoration of midterms on their “why Columbia” essays, hoping Columbia would notice their love of random tests and accept them. Some have even been spotted taking midterms on the contents of their campus tours, and we believe that the reason for so many of them being here is that they’re retaking for a better score.

Update: a clarifying statement was released by Lee Bollinger this morning:

“You know, when I was president, I often heard rumors that we just hate our students and want to make their lives miserable. With today’s news rekindling these rumors, I would like to formally address them.”

“They’re true.”