Clery Alert: Moped Gains Sentience

Graphic by Lauren Unterberger

Columbia Community,

On Monday, September 5, 2022 at approximately 8:34 a.m. a driverless moped was spotted traveling rapidly along Broadway. Moped is suspected to have suddenly gained consciousness after a freak lightning strike. Moped did mow down several pedestrians. The number of victims remains unknown. Moped then attended LitHum. Moped was overly involved in class discussion, commenting several times on Homeric simile. Moped then attacked a bicycle outside of Hamilton. The bicycle (unsentient) declined to comment. Moped was last spotted outside of President Bollinger’s mansion. President Bollinger (sentience unknown) declined to comment. If spotted, please avoid. Moped is highly volatile and likely to injure approachers. 

Please note – Clery Crime Alerts are distributed, pursuant to Federal Law, for specific crimes in defined locations.  They do not, nor are they intended to present, a complete picture of crime on campus. TTYL XOX <3