“We’ll Just Kill You if You Don’t”- Butler Librarians Crack Down on Mask Wearing

In response to COVID compact violations in Butler library, Columbia has instituted a new policy to enforce COVID safety measures. 

“We’ll kill you if you don’t wear a mask,” a Butler librarian announced. The policy, which was established in an abundance of caution as a proactive measure, considering the most up-to-date state guidance, while monitoring the situation closely, and following the science, aims to significantly reduce the 0% spread reported in library spaces. 

“If we can’t flatten the curve, we’ll just flatline you,” a Columbia representative said.

One student, who was found without a mask during a routine patrol, was promptly decapitated in the fifth floor Robert Kraft memorial guillotine, which is inscribed with the words “keep the compact and keep your head”. Another was bound, gagged, seasoned with salt and pepper, and fed to Roar-ee the Lion. A third was dragged out of the library and crucified on the sundial. Just this morning, a group of freshmen were lined up six feet apart against a wall and executed via firing squad.

“We’re still in a pandemic. This is for the health and safety of our community,” one student said. At least, that’s what we think she said through her seven masks, lest one fall off.