University Offers Graduate Workers 25 Dining Dollars, Ball of Pocket Lint to Call off Strike

Photo by Callie Wilson

Following a strike announcement by the Student Workers of Columbia-UAW (SWC-UAW), University administrators released a statement offering a tentative deal to the students, pleading for the union to call off their planned action. 

“While we have read and recognize the demands of the SWC-UAW, we find them wholly unreasonable given that the University has no fucking money,” said the statement. “We’re broke as shit. Seriously. We get you guys want fair pay, but we kinda spent those wages on a bunch of buildings already. Like, what do you want us to do, un-build them?” 

Instead of the typical pay raise and benefits, officials instead offered the strikers a compromise of 25 Dining Dollars and some pocket lint, which, according to Provost Mary Boyce, is “probably how much dental insurance costs anyway, right?”

In response to demands for neutral arbitration for harassment and discrimination cases, administrators had this to say: 

“We believe the University, which has never, ever, had any issues with racism, discrimination, or harassment, is wholly capable of handling these matters internally.” 

Fed reporters reached out to President Bollinger for comment, who simply responded by vigorously turning his empty pants pockets inside out before sprinting away along College Walk.