REPORT: Friction in Stacks Caused Butler Fire

A blushing firefighter who responded to the Butler fire alarm last night has confirmed with Federalist reporters that the incident was the result of some “energetic humping” in Stack Level 5. He cautioned: “Libraries are sexy. I, myself, enjoy a little public promiscuity. But three alarms in two days is a bit excessive.”

Federalist reporters reached out to Brian Greene, professor of physics, about the likelihood of this occurrence. He said it was “entirely possible” that humping started the fire and that the conditions were “actually quite optimal.” He giggled, “Don’t tell anyone, but I’ve recently noticed that when I rub my fuzzy socks on the carpet, I get a little zap,” adding, “I need to investigate this further, but I think that might have something to do with it.”