STEM Major reminds everyone that his classes are harder than yours

With midterm season approaching, one can hear the faint whispers and desolate screams of students reaching the perimeters of their sanity. But, no such woes are as pronounced as those of Eric Fullbin (SEAS ‘21). Eric is a double major in Computer Science and Biochemistry who petitioned to exceed his credit limit this semester in an attempt to fit in all the STEM courses he needs to graduate. This is common knowledge to all Eric’s friends, as he sends reminders about his workload in GroupMe at least twice a day. He claims, “it’s important to make sure the Political Science majors know they’re not studying real science.” 

When approached for comments, Eric looked down the brim of his horn-rimmed, tortoiseshell glasses and inquired, “Have you even taken orgo?” Despite it being my freshman year, he seemed displeased when I revealed I had not. He refused to speak to me any further, angrily popping an Adderall and continuing to read Thomas Kuhn’s The Structure of Scientific Revolutions.

After pleading with Eric for insight on his difficult courseload, he gave in, emphasizing his charitability in “advising plebeians.” With vigor in his eyes, he revealed, “I haven’t slept in three days, this is my twelfth cup of coffee, and I spent $300 on various amphetamines this week.” 

Eric was found later that night passed out on the floor of Butler, presumably overdosed. He was quickly taken to the hospital by CAVA, though they doubt his humility will be recovered.