Hey you, yeah, you with the overgrown, Cher-meets-Dumbledore haircut! Tired of looking like a member of the Manson Family? Looking for some sweet, psychological release? Here’s the sign you’ve been waiting for: Cut. Your. Motherfucking. Bangs.
It’s time to break out those safety scissors from your second grade pencil box. (Poultry scissors will suffice in a pinch.) Just grab a chunk of hair from the center of your head and start hacking away. And no cheating—close that YouTube tutorial!
Snip like there’s no tomorrow. If you’ve ever made a paper snowflake, I recommend emulating that technique to add some dimension to your new ’do. If you’re looking for even more texture, feel free to get in there with a steak knife. And just remember the Golden Rule: the shorter, the better. You want your bangs shorter than your widow’s peak.
Now it’s time to take a step back and admire your work. Do you look like the carefully curated images of Brigitte Bardot, Jane Birkin, and Dakota Johnson on your Pinterest board? Absolutely not. I can’t see you, but I’m picturing a cross between Amélie Poulain and Pepper from American Horror Story. In other words, expect some newfound attention when you strut down Broadway tomorrow in your N-95. You, yeah, you— you’re bangin’!