Breaking: Prezbo is Trump’s Supreme Court Pick

Artwork by Zach Ginsberg

The passing of the notorious Ruth Bader Ginsburg has left a hole in all of our hearts, but more importantly to President Trump, a Supreme Court seat. Although Trump ignored RBG’s dying wish of being replaced after the election, she can rest easy knowing her replacement is not only from the “very disgraceful, liberal institution” where she went to law school, but he’s the president.

In a statement from earlier today, Trump said, “I know that the democrats want a liberal justice to sit on the bench, and they can rest assured that I have chosen the perfect candidate. President Bollinger, who is a self-proclaimed advocate of Black Lives Matter while also gentrifying Harlem, is the perfect candidate to serve as a tiebreaker on the Court.”

In this time of social change, it’s natural to wonder what will be the ruling that defines Prezbo’s time on the bench. Will it be an end to corporate gentrification or changes in wealth distribution in the U.S.? The Federalist’s judicial review team would make a prediction, but they have yet to finish one of Prezbo’s emails with a clear understanding of what he’s saying.

Onto the most pressing concern of this breaking news; who will be the next fearless president of Columbia University? Naturally, there was a long list of potential candidates, including alumni ranging from President Barack Obama and comedian Kate McKinnon. However, The Federalist can confirm that Senator Ted Cruz will be replacing President Bollinger and more importantly, teaching his famous 1st Amendment law class.