Office of Undergraduate Student Life Unveils Plans to Ship “Do-it-at-home NSOP Rager” Kits to All Incoming First-Years

Image courtesy of Amelia Fay

Last Monday, Dean of Undergraduate Student Life Cristen Kromm unveiled her plans to send each and every member of the Class of 2024 a “Do-it-at-home NSOP Rager” kit.

“We know that the university’s decision to move entirely online for Fall 2020 is disappointing,” began the email, “but here in the Office of Undergraduate Student Life, we’ve been working all summer to adapt the most important parts of the Columbia experience to these strange and uncertain times. That’s why we’re pleased to announce that we will be sending you everything you need to host an NSOP rager at home.”

The email went on to outline the items each student would receive, including: 

  • An $8 bottle of vodka (purchased with an older sibling’s driver’s license)

  • A playlist featuring the most overplayed songs of the decade

  • A “puke-stained Carman carpet” scratch-and-sniff sticker, to truly bring to life all the sights and smells of a traditional NSOP rager.

“We know we can’t replicate the awkward, slurred small talk that’s usually a key component of a classic freshman party, but we believe our kit will more than adequately introduce you to the exciting new world of lame underclassman socializing that’s so essential to every Columbian’s college experience.”

Dean Kromm ended her email by promising that the University would resume in-person NSOP ragers as soon CDC guidelines permit 50 sweaty bodies to congregate in tiny Carman dorm rooms.