President Bollinger Announces Fall Housing Plan


Earlier today, President Bollinger outlined the university’s fall housing plans. Bollinger wrote, “In an effort to mitigate the on-campus spread of COVID-19, we have created a new housing system. Students will be placed in residence halls based on their risk level and previous exposure to the virus.” Although Bollinger claimed that updated room numbers will not be sent to students until later this week, he outlined where various student groups will reside.

EC: random
East Campus will be the first test group for herd immunity and residents will be determined via a random lottery. Undoubtedly, several dozen students will be COVID-positive on move-in day, causing the virus to spread faster through those hallowed halls than a wildfire through the Siberian forest. By the end of Block A, EC will be a slutty little petri dish full of corona antibodies.

Furnald: virgins
In other words, nothing is changing.

McBain: people with swamp ass
According to Bollinger’s email, the administration has decided to uphold McBain’s reputation as a residence hall for those with little to no hygiene habits. If you A) have swamp ass at all times, B) only change your tampon when you’re veering into toxic shock territory, or C) leave your pube trimmings on the floor of the communal bathroom, this is the dorm for you.

John Jay: people who baked quarantine sourdough
By putting all of Columbia’s quarantine bakers in a dorm with only communal kitchens, the administration expects John Jay residents to reach herd immunity shortly after East Campus.

River: people named River

Ruggles: people who got cheap flights to Europe during the outbreak
If you took advantage of the plummeting flight prices at the height of the pandemic, you will be assigned to Ruggles Hall. Hopefully the discount was worth it, because now Columbia doesn’t give a fuck what happens to you guys and will not be providing PPE to Ruggles residents. But, please, carry on posting Instagram photos of your trip to Rome.

Carlton Arms: people with a foot fetish
The one good outcome of this nightmare is that now all of these monsters will be banished far from campus. Good luck to whoever gets assigned a room with Quentin Tarantino.

Potluck House: people who “recovered” from COVID with herbal remedies
If you told yourself that deepthroating a pipet of oregano oil would expel the virus from your body, this is where you can expect to live. And yes, goldenseal oil counts, too. However, potluck dinners will not be allowed this semester. Everyone must eat from their own mason jar. 

Jazz House: white men
Jazz House will remain a special interest community that accurately honors the cultural origins of jazz music.

Owl House: avid bird watchers
All students with a bird fetish will live in Owl House on 115th street. They will have access to the roof and are expected to watch their lectures through binoculars, not on Zoom. Owl House also has a bounty out on local racist Amy Cooper.

Afghanistan: GS students
Students in the School of General Studies will be housed in Kabul, Afghanistan. Bollinger’s email stated that, due to the number of veterans in GS, he figured they would feel right at home. There will be no compensation for the flight.

St. A’s: people who dress like the Monopoly Man
If you’ve ever looked in the mirror and thought, “Hey, I look kind of like Rich Uncle Pennybags,” you will be living in the Hall this semester.

Roosevelt Island Smallpox Hospital ruins: people with archaic diseases
Students who test positive for smallpox, consumption, dysentery, or any other ancient plagues will be quarantined in the ruins of the Roosevelt Island Smallpox Hospital from the 1850s. When riding the cable car, hazmat suits will be required.

President Beilock also sent an email to the Barnard community stating that housing arrangements will be determined by star sign. To accommodate all students while also maintaining social distancing, Barnard will begin gentrifying Bedstuy and will establish a Barnard-to-Bedstuy pipeline.

Although Bollinger and Beilock promised a more in-depth outline of social distancing practices would be sent out in the coming weeks, both claimed that students will be required to travel around campus in blue bins. The crew team will supply oars to all students so that they may paddle their way to class.