Breaking: Total Nerd Still Studying For His Pass/Fail Finals


THE INTERNET – After receiving several anonymous tips, The Federalist has confirmed that Calvin Weiss is indeed studying for finals, like a total frickin’ nerd.

Despite Columbia’s decision to implement a universal pass/fail policy, Weiss reportedly logged onto Courseworks at 10:00 am last Saturday to download his Macroeconomics Powerpoints. After a detailed review of Weiss’s behavior, The Feditorial Board has determined that Weiss is, in fact, a total narc.

Weiss only gave us a minute of his time for an interview – he was apparently preoccupied, building molecules for his Orgo exam with a set of plastic atoms he ordered on Amazon with his Bar Mitzvah money. 

“I won’t be one of those losers whose TA catches him logged into Courseworks, looking at slides during a final,” explained Weiss while fiddling with his toys. “I have integrity.” 

“I’m just going to miss the buzz I always get when I appeal my 97% to a 98.5% by shamelessly kissing the professor’s ass,” Weiss went on. “There’s really nothing like it.”

In an exclusive interview, Weiss’s parents told The Federalist that they were shocked and devastated to learn that their son was such a loser. 

“I hope he’s not like this at school,” confided Weiss’s mother. “He’s always telling us he’s at some club called ‘Ref’, I think. I don’t know, maybe he’s less of a nerd there.”

As of press time, several of Weiss’s professors are considering failing him, “just for kicks.”

P.S. Apparently, Weiss is correct: TA’s actually can see you logged into Courseworks during finals. Make sure to download those notes in advance, folks. — The Feditorial Board