Bollinger Tells Grad Student Union They Don’t Need Healthcare, Should Drink Vodka and Visit Sauna to Cure COVID


Columbia’s new system of remote learning only works thanks to the tireless efforts of professors and graduate student workers, the majority of whom have been greatly impacted by the Coronavirus pandemic. However, despite the Graduate Workers of Columbia’s cry for basic rights and protections during this crisis, President Bollinger has refused to give in to even basic requests. His official response: “Why do you guys need healthcare? If you have COVID, just drink vodka and sit in a sauna.”

Naturally, graduate student workers didn’t take well to Bollinger’s suggestion, pointing out its obvious flaws. In an interview with Federalist reporters, Ruddy Phillipson, GSAS ‘23, said, “I’m not even going to focus on the scientific aspect… but beyond that, how the fuck am I supposed to afford alcohol and a trip to the banya when Columbia’s taken away my teaching appointment for next year?” Similarly, Emma Church, GSAS ‘20, said, “Not only am I graduating into a job market drier than Bollinger’s asshole, I also have to worry about paying rent and the fact that, if I get Corona, it would be cheaper for me to die than see a doctor.”

When Federalist reporters shared these concerns with Bollinger, his response was merely, “Why don’t they just sweat the virus out? Vodka go glug glug, body go sweat sweat, COVID go bye bye. Money is tight right now; I can’t just spend willy nilly on luxuries like housing and salaries!”

As of press time, Bollinger has not offered any additional support to graduate student workers. He is currently quarantined in his multimillion dollar mansion, watching Tiger King and planning to spend Columbia’s 11-billion dollar endowment on Chinatown PostMates and installing skylights in all of his bathrooms.