Kant: When your girlfriend asks if her voice sounds annoying over Zoom, you do not hesitate to truthfully say “yes, indeed it does.”
Machiavelli: You wrote an unsolicited email to your state governor’s office about how they can maximize their power during the pandemic. You recommend starting a feud with a weaker, neighboring state to assert dominance and gain the public’s trust. (If you’re close to Wisconsin, I’d choose them.)
Nietzsche: Whenever someone berates you for coming within six feet of them, you shout “I AM THE UBERMENSCH!” You’re too enlightened to let a little virus get you down.
St. Augustine: You’re a senior but still feel guilty about that fork you stole from John Jay freshman year. You mention it in 270 of the 361 diary entries you wrote in 2019. You vow to spend all of your time in quarantine repenting for this sin.
Aristotle: You don’t want the Coronavirus to kill EVERYONE. But you also don’t want it to kill NO ONE. You’d like to find a nice middle ground between the two.
Gandhi: You think it’s funny that the British have demanded reparations from China. You’d be delighted to talk to the British about reparations.
Darwin: You get a creepy smile everytime someone on the news mentions the death tolls. You have a sketch in your notebook depicting the ideal, coronavirus-immune human of the future. You are in excellent health.
Mill: You support President Trump announcing false information about COVID-19 on national TV. It might take two million deaths, but the truth will ultimately prevail. You have #freespeech and “RETWEETS ARE NOT ENDORSEMENTS” in your Twitter bio.
Smith: You are concerned about how universal pass/fail grading will affect your future job prospects. You are suing Columbia for the additional money you could have made during your future career, if only you had gotten the .05 GPA boost you expected this semester.
Marx: Pandemic? What pandemic? You’ve been too occupied starting Facebook fights with Biden supporters.
Rousseau: You’ve decided to live in the woods for a while, where you cannot be bothered by Covid-19, or socially contrived notions of private property.
Epictetus: You always see the glass as half-full, and your glass in quarantine just so happens to contain a homemade mimosa. You’ve been telling your clinically depressed friends to “just lighten up!”
Al Ghazali: You are positive that this whole pandemic thing is just a dream. You expect to wake up any day now.
Descartes: You are positive that this whole pandemic thing is just a dream. You expect to wake up any day now. You pretend you came up with this idea even though Al Ghazali said it first.
Hobbes: You started a petition to depose Trump, but only because you were rejected for an internship in the Trump White House. If they’d only had you, this whole corona thing never would have been an issue.
Locke: “Was ‘global pandemic’ in the fine print of the social contract? I don’t remember it being there when I signed.”