MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS–This morning, President Bollinger has announced the first confirmed case of coronavirus on campus. To try to contain the spread of the virus, Columbia Administration has decided to cancel all classes in the University starting from today. All students are advised to stay indoors and avoid contact with others until when the classes are set to resume again: tomorrow.
“After the 24 hour recess, students will still be expected to show up to their regularly scheduled classes,” President Bollinger explained. “This is in line with the University’s regular policies on cancellation, such as minimizing snowdays, or a maximum of 48 hours off in the case of nuclear apocalypse.”
A student who had tested positive for COVID-19 after complaining about a mild fever to Columbia Health is James Mill, a linguistics major at Columbia College. James returned from a weekend trip to Wuhan where he regularly strolled through the animal markets and savoured bat soup to fully participate in the authentic local lifestyle. “I was getting sick of all the negative coverage Wuhan has been getting in Western media lately,” James explained, “I wanted to go and instagram live my beautiful experiences with the locals there to erase the prejudices against them once and for all! Also, the tickets were super cheap.”
It has been reported to The Federalist that before going to see a Columbia Health practitioner, James attended a crowded DSig party where he accidentally sneezed into the container of jungle juice. The following morning, he walked down the buffet line in John Jay Dining Hall, inspecting several food items with his unwashed hands before returning them to the shelves. “I thought it was safe,” said James, “If I already have had coronavirus, I couldn’t catch it again!”
As of press time, several members of the Columbia Administration were spotted at JFK International Airport, wearing hazmat suits and waiting for a flight to Antarctica.