This past Monday, President Bollinger made headlines as the first Native American President in the University’s history.
In a special email to the student body, Bollinger, echoing Elizabeth Warren, proudly stated, “I am very pleased to announce my Lenape heritage to Columbia and to the world; I always knew that I had a connection to Columbia, and now my heritage confirms it. This is my life and I am very proud of it.”
While genetic testing has yet to confirm the president’s alleged ancestry, which he figured out from a three-hour ancestry.com binge, his great, great, great-grandfather, who reached the country on the Mayflower, was known to have spoken to a Native American at least once. Fed Sources reached out to a Lenape organization in New Jersey with questions about President Bollinger’s claimed heritage.
A representative from the organization stated, “Look, I don’t know who the fuck this guy is, but he doesn’t represent any of the Lenape people. Just look at his fucking blonde toupee.”
In order to commemorate his special lineage, President Bollinger took it upon himself to hold a forgiveness ceremony on behalf of all Lenape people both alive and deceased. The President cemented his own legacy for the university forgiving all problems related to gentrification, saying, “I recently discovered Columbia’s glorious plaque in the weeds by John Jay Hall commemorating my people who once inhabited this land. This, in tandem with my newfound pedigree, compelled me to do what was morally and ethically commendable: hold a ceremony to forgive Columbia University and all other residents of New York for any and all gentrification and wrong-doing that has occurred on the Lenape’s land.”
In his concluding remarks, Bollinger made a surprising revelation: “I have been notified by my ancestors that all lands previously inhabited by the Lenape people have been granted to me, personally. I will, of course, donate my newfound property, including the entirety of New Jersey, Manhattan, Eastern Pennsylvania, and half on Long Island, to better serve Columbia University. The Lenape people are very proud that their land is serving such a noble purpose.”