Pretentious Freshman Uses #MeAsWell

Reports this week show that one freshman, Philip Colton CC’22, is trying to change the face of the #MeToo movement by using #MeAsWell.

When asked why he would change the hashtag of such a national movement, Colton said, “I’m an ally. I’m trying to create a better brand for this movement, one that better complies with established grammar rules. I mean, this is Columbia University we’re talking about here. You can’t expect me to use ‘too.’ It’s the poor man’s version of ‘as well.’”

When we asked one of Colton’s classmates about his activism, they said, “Colton? That guy’s a dick. He flashed me his Rolex during LitHum yesterday just before saying, ‘Now to play devil’s advocate…’”

The Fed discovered that Colton is currently taking the Gender and Sexuality section of UWriting this semester and wrote his P3 essay on, “Why being an upper-class white man is harder than you think.” He is best known for his participation in LionFund and playing on the Squash team.

Colton, who plans on majoring in PoliSci-Econ, says, “Look, if UWriting taught me anything, it’s that rhetoric is important. What kind of brand is the #MeToo movement setting with such a clunky, unpolished phrase as its motto.”

Philip Colton was last seen drinking alone at a Beta party after all the girls there refused to talk to him.