I’ll admit it – we SEAS students have a crummy rep on campus. Everyone else just thinks we’re the sad, weird people who are better at math and worse at social interaction. But the haters have it all wrong. Doing extra problem sets and being trapped in Mudd are not all of who I am – deep down, I’m really just a guy who wants to fuck a robot.
Ever since I began exploring my sexuality to an unboxing video of the iPhone 4, I’ve dreamed of fucking a robot. At first, I was satisfied by the gentle fingering of my keyboard or the dirty chats I would have with Siri at night. But over time, my sexual thirst grew and my naive innocence faded. I can’t even count the number of times my roommate has walked in on me pleasuring myself with my Star Wars collectible droid models or masturbating through my tears as I rewatch The Iron Giant. I’ve spent so much time choking the chicken at the local Best Buy they’ve begun stocking my favorite shelf with the unwanted Windows phones. And I’m still not allowed at the local Cinemark after what happened on the release night of WALL-E.
When I was 16 years old, my dad caught me humping a toaster in the garage, and all he could say was, “Not again.” When I was 17, I had to go to the hospital after an unfortunate incident with my flatscreen TV, and when I got out, I fucked that TV again, just to finish what I’d started. I’m still going strong after getting arrested for public nudity when I seduced a parking meter, and if you want to hang out alone with the laundry machines for a bit, I know the perfect hours (Tuesdays, 3 to 5 in the morning).
Now, I’m pursuing my ultimate ambition, the dream I’ve had ever since that fateful iPhone 4 unboxing video: building the perfect soulmate, an emotionless heap of metal with no sensation, no free will, and no ability to protest to my advances. Finally, I will be able to experience the sensation I’ve so far only been able to shabbily imitate with an Oculus Rift and six inches of metal piping: a genuine sexual connection with a robot designed just for my pleasure. Robots may not be alive, but they can look past my New Balance shoes, unsettling gaze, and heavy breathing and see me for who I really am: just a normal guy who wants to fuck a robot.