MOSUL – Amid the ongoing battle between Iraqi security forces and the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant, a new splinter group has formed to fight the corrupting influence of tooth decay.
In a video sent to the offices of the world’s foremost candy companies, a masked man stands in latex gloves, holding an AK-47 and a dental drill. He announces his intent to preserve “pure hygiene” by dismantling the oppressive western sweets industry and waging Jihad on tartar, plaque, and other problematic dental ailments.
After announcing his noble intentions, the masked man proceeds to perform six continuous hours of unanesthetized root canal work on a number of captives clad in the orange jumpsuits typical of ISIS propaganda releases. After the surgery is over, the dentist forces them to declare their devotion to a handy guide to tooth hygiene before shoving them back into their filthy cells with nothing but a brand new toothbrush.
Further investigation performed by CIA and UN officials has confirmed that the dentist is recruiting fanatic followers with the promise of 72 untarnished molars in the afterlife.