God: Noah’s Ark Requirements Are Too Binary



To the American People, even Scientologists:

Over the past 5000 years of its existence, I’ve spent a fair bit of time traveling your country. During these trips, I’ve had the opportunity to meet individuals from all walks of life, and have heard their words and stories. After much reflection, I now write to you bearing some important news.

Our country is evolving quickly (except in the rural areas), and my views are evolving as well to reflect the changing needs and perspectives of my diverse constituents and definitely not just my wealthy white Protestant donors. I have heard your voices, and I have listened. And I am now proud to categorically assert that I support the gender spectrum theory.

As such, I condemn, in the strongest terms, the objectionable social attitudes displayed by one of my own followers, Noah, whose ark requirements are simply too binary.

Yes, it’s taken me quite a while to get here. At one point, I believed that, in case of a flood, these issues should be left to the discretion of the individual boats. But I changed my opinion when  I realized it failed to reflect this nation’s progressive values. It’s been 2,017 years since I sent my son to Earth. It’s high time we stop imposing our antiquated gender norms on beings who don’t fit the mold – beings who, if you didn’t notice, and I was hoping you didn’t, I created.

But this isn’t just an opinion piece; it’s a call to action. So I’ve laid out a comprehensive plan to confront intolerance:

I have introduced a slate of biblical amendments to reflect my emerging views. First, I hope to outline a mandatory workshop in Genesis, called Under1Ark, completed by each animal before officially boarding the vessel to start a sustained dialogue about inclusivity and social identity on deck.

Second, all Bibles should henceforth describe the distribution of gender-neutral life jackets stamped with each animal’s preferred pronouns.

Third, relevant chapters should document the creation of gender-inclusive sites on the ship’s bow, so no animal has to sacrifice their comfort for the pressures of conforming to socially constructed lavatorial standards.

It is my hope that, though we still have a lot of work to do and a lot of changes to make, these proposals will be a step in the right direction.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, and may I bless the United States of America.



Pronouns in Use: He/Him/His (capitalized, dammit)