Student Makes Peculiar Discovery in Barnard Showers

Photo Credit: Natalie Arenzon

Photo Credit: Natalie Arenzon

SULZBERGER – It was an ordinary Wednesday when Luna Guggenheiser BC ‘20, walked into the Sulzberger bathroom to take her monthly shower.

Upon entering one of the three showers, she noticed something peculiar lying in the corner of the tile floor.

“I got close, just to make sure I knew what I was looking at,” claims Guggenheiser.

It was the overwhelming smell contained in the stall that made her realize what had happened; Guggenheiser found herself staring at a five-ounce pile of excrement.

“At first I was a bit confused—I thought maybe it was a statement, a piece of art. But when I realized the motive behind the feces, I was astonished by its brilliance.”

Guggenheiser, an environmental activist, is a big proponent for saving water, a passion that has allowed her to appreciate of a fellow Barnard student.

“I never liked using toilets. It’s perfectly good drinking water wasted. It will be a movement, started right here at  Barnard. I think it can expand too. Eventually we can just double up, two people reaping the same benefits. I’m talking beds, desks, panties, boyfriends.  Monogamy has no place in a progressive society, anyway.”  

Guggenheiser has been spreading the word about the dual-purpose showers, an idea catching like wildfire. She hopes that the the administration and cleaning staff will jump on board soon so she, and the rest of the Barnard community, can carry out the ingenuity one young woman started when she was blackout drunk and crouched in the corner, desperately Facebook stalking her fifth grade boyfriend.