CARMAN 7 – Carman Custodian and regurgitated Halal expert Robert Duncan announced on Wednesday that the amount of vomit caked on an end of the hall toilet reached an annual nadir.
“It’s a beautiful thing,” the seasoned janitor asserted. “Everyone should come out and see this. There’s maybe a two week window every year when you can possibly get this kind of thing. It’s like a solar eclipse or something.”
The toilet seat’s pukelessness, however, is likely to be short-lived. “Between the high schoolers here over the summer – who have the combined alcohol tolerance of a potted plant – and the freshman boot-a-thon that Student Life calls NSOP, I’ve got about ten days of Zen,” Duncan grumbled. “It’s me time.”
Despite his exciting announcement, Duncan admitted that the news should be considered with a margin of error because there’s still a lot of “unidentifiable gunk” stubbornly encrusting the toilet seat.