Columbia Builds New Satellite Campus in Hell

The new campus is straight fire.

The new campus is straight fire.

After much deliberation, Columbia has decided to expand its campus community into the fiery depths of hell.

The administration has consulted with various urban planners, financial consultants and Hades officials, all of whom are working together in order to assure that the community will endure the kind of eternal damnation worthy of an Ivy League institution.

Some campus groups have put forward worries that this might continue Columbia’s sinful legacy of gentrification. Putting a campus in the afterlife’s abyss will take away from the local culture, activists say. Suddenly local businesses, run by notable residents including Jack the Ripper and Richard Nixon, will be shut down and replaced with Pinkberry and Starbucks. In fact, the university is already using eminent domain to confiscate property from Ted Cruz’s future estate.

However the Columbia administration is adamant that moving to the evil realm of perpetual fire will be done in the most ethical and moral of manners. The university plans to involve underworld residents in the planning and creating of the infernal campus. There is even talk about involving local satanic scholarship into the curriculum. In his announcement, President Bollinger shared his vision that every Columbia student will one day say they were put through hell.

The satellite campus should open in 2020, which has been cleverly been dubbed “Judgement Day” by administration.