As climate divestment protesters enter their fourth night of disrupting normal campus business to whine about a cause the school’s other 30,000 students don’t seem to care too much about, they say they have turned to whale blubber as a source of lighting and fuel.
“We couldn’t ethically study and practice pagan rituals here at night while the lighting is powered by natural gas and fossil fuel,” explained one protester. “On the first night we just turned off the lights and sat here in the darkness, but we all need to get some reading done in case we don’t get expelled. It was a real dilemma.”
The protesters explained that after much deliberation, one of their members hit upon an idea. “We needed a source of fuel that was natural, didn’t contribute to climate change, and most importantly, didn’t give any money to those greedy fr*&kers. Of course, we can’t access geothermal energy, wind, or tidal power here. Nuclear power has its own set of problems. Solar power is great! But only when it’s sunny unfortunately. That’s when it hit me — whale blubber.”
After doing some online research, the protesters ordered seven tubs of whale blubber on theresplentyleft.com, the website of Okinawa Sunshine brand sperm oil. “We ordered their grass-fed, certified-organic sperm oil. We had heard horror stories about second-rate mainland shops that viciously stab their whales, with no regard for the suffering they cause. At Okinawa Sunshine, they tickle the whales into a calm and fitful sleep before harvesting the spermaceti. As vegans, only the most humane sperm oil on the market would do.”
With their fourth tub of Okinawa Sunshine hooked up to a series of lamps, the protesters began to settle in for the evening, comforted by a warm glow. “The lighting works fine,” said one protester studying for her marine biology class. “And most importantly, our planet’s resources are safe!”