Theta Criticized for Having Only a Lame Amount of Alcohol

THETA HOUSE, FRAT ROW – This weekend, “Bwog,” a “campus” “news” “source” and journalistic vomit receptacle, published a hard-hitting story purporting to show scandalous bottles of alcohol in Theta house.  

Though intended to incriminate Theta, the story set off a firestorm this week over the lameness of on-campus drinking.  “Honestly, there were only, like, a couple bottles of alcohol in that picture,” said Sarah Gold CC ’18.  “It wasn’t even, like, Everclear.  We’re talking Mike’s Hard.”

Sources also reported that some of the sisters’ three half-filled bottles contained succulent coconut-imbued Malibu rum, though non-member visitors were invited to sample a six-pack of malt liquor purchased on the sorority’s behalf by a local homeless man.

Another student, Sarah Zhou SEAS ‘17, was equally disturbed by this week’s news stories. Zhou described the Bwog investigation as yet more confirmation of what she saw as the rampant pussification of the Greek scene at Columbia. “It’s a Greek house. It’s pathetic.  Once again, this just shows that Thetas are lightweights. Bitches can’t hang.”

After shaking her head for a few seconds, she added, “The Panhellenic Council should hold hearings over why there wasn’t more alcohol. And by hearings, I mean that it’s time to gather round the initiates and play an energetic round of ‘shake the money out of the freshmen.’”

The Panhellenic Council has been in talks about removing Theta’s house since the sorority is failing to take full advantage of the house’s keg space. If the whole brownstone is just used to store formal dresses, the house’s couple of DSig composites and four bottles of Mike’s Hard might as well live in Carman.