BREAKING: After a poor showing in both Iowa and New Hampshire, Chris Christie has confirmed that he will be dropping his bid for the 2016 Republican Nomination, and announced his plans to drop in to a local IHOP.
“I just want to thank the wonderful men and women who have dedicated so much of their time to my campaign,” said Christie. “I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a disappointment, but I’m looking forward to spending more time with my family, and at IHOP.”
Christie continued, “The only problem now is deciding what I’m going to get. I love the Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity, but the Moons Over My Hammy is so good too. I just can’t wait to get my hands on all those syrups. I like to mix all the different kinds of syrup together, and then pretend that the sausages are little logs floating down a delicious river.”
Christie concluded by saying, “If nothing else, the consolation is that I’ll get to return to beautiful New Jersey.”