As various GOP governors have barred Syrian refugees from entering their states, Columbia’s resident out-of-touch white executive President Lee Bollinger announced his own policy towards those seeking asylum.
In an intimate press conference held atop the rubble of Manhattanville bodegas, Bollinger stated, “I want to be very clear; those seeking a greater education, rampant binge drinking, crumbling facades, and semen-covered laundry machines will always find a home at Columbia for $65,000.”
Bollinger’s announcement sent shockwaves through the Morningside Heights campus. “It’s just outrageous,” Kirby Danfork CC ‘17 said. “I busted my ass to get here: SAT tutors, fake charities, bullshit op-eds about carpe diem in my high school paper. Now these Serbian assholes think they can just waltz in here without so much as a decent ‘Why Columbia?’ essay. I won’t stand for it.”
Danfork added, “I already have a hard enough time figuring out whether someone here is Andover or Exeter, and now I have to worry about ISIS or Al Qaeda.”
In his speech, Bollinger sought to assuage potential dissenters, stating, “We’re not going to be taking just any refugee. We want the cream of the crop, the top 6.1%, or 0.3% fewer than whatever Yale does. And trust me, this admission process is going to be anything but need blind. I want paying customers – I mean students.”
Asked for comment on Bollinger’s remarks, Syrian refugee Marwan Homsi said, “I don’t know what Columbia is, and I don’t know what a ‘PrezBo’ is. I just want a better life for my family.”
When read Mr. Homsi’s comments, Danfork replied, “If this guy thinks he’ll have a ‘better life’ taking the Core than in Syria, he’s in for a rude awakening.”