Columbia Gears Up For Annual Showering Of The Undergrads

With spring 2016 semester well underway, the students and faculty at Columbia University have begun preparations for Columbia’s 174th annual showering of the undergrads.

“The undergraduate bathing is a time honored tradition here at Columbia,” said University President Lee Bollinger. “These boys and girls are ripe, and we wanna hose ‘em down good.”

Despite past controversies, student attitudes towards the event have been increasingly positive in recent years.

“Back home my mom would clean me every day,” said freshman David Reich, CC ’19, “but now that I’m in college I just don’t have the time for things like washing my body, or hygiene in general. At first the smell bothered me, and I wanted to shower, but I powered through it and I hardly notice it now. I’m just glad I go to a school with the resources to scrub every disgusting inch of me, because God knows I’m not going to do it myself.”

Still, others remain unenthused. “I want a body odor that reflects my personality and self-worth,” commented Gary Holbrook, SEAS ‘16. “I am a miserable person, and I demand that everyone in my near vicinity to be made to feel similarly. Were I to take a shower this semester, it would take weeks to build up the layer of filth to which I am accustomed.”

The shower has long been a favorite of Columbia’s community of graduate students. PhD Candidate Jared Lu declared, “I’m excited that they are going to be clean now. I am very unhappy.”

The budget for this year’s event has increased significantly due to the unusually warm winter. Unconfirmed reports suggest that the administration has purchased an additional 1000 yards of rubber hose, 300 gallons of liquid soap, and 50 cases of Old Spice “Sexual Child” Antiperspirant, which will likely go unused if last year’s event is any indication.