Top Six Worst Places to See Happy Couples

It was once described that Columbia was for the depressed to live out their esoteric NYC main character fantasies, yet we are constantly surrounded by all these happy couples. The audacity! Thus the Federalist has put together a list of the absolute worst places to find a happy couple during the school year.

  1. In Butler Library

No one is studying at Butler because they are in a good mood. You’re there because your professor assigned a 10-page paper yesterday that is due tonight and you decided to neglect your need for anything other than coffee and spell-check for the next 12 hours. So when you look up debating if it’s time to end it all and transfer to Cornell, seeing two freshmen spooning, your life expectancy decreases by at least eight months.

  1. 2:00 AM campus main character walks

It is a natural part of the Columbia experience to lap campus three times in the middle of the night while blasting Will Wood and understand you are the shit, but when your eye looks upon a couple snuggling on the steps of Low, it becomes incredibly difficult to convince yourself that you’re not just an extra.

  1. When you are late to class

It was the only listing without a 200-person waitlist, and it’s required for your major. It was not your idea to take an 8:10 AM lecture, and now it’s 8:20 as you are rushing to Havemeyer. But low and behold, in front of you saunters a young couple locked arm-in-arm, exactly the same width as the path to class. You try to push past, but their incredibly important discussion about whose dorm room is messier has clearly taken precedence over your diploma.

  1. Alone downtown

Most often you find Columbia students in the city for one of three main reasons: food, spending time with friends, or trying to forget you have no friends. So when you’re trying to lessen the pain by staring at abstract art in the MoMA and you see a couple making out as they descend down the escalator, brutally ripping from your escapist paradise, you get a little pissed.

  1. First thing in the morning

There’s nothing like waking up alone, going to breakfast alone, and sitting in lecture alone. You don’t want to see them being happy while you get your depresso espresso. Remembering that life could be better than this is not how you wanted to start the morning.

  1. Literally anywhere

Okay, fine, we’re just lonely … Please just stop groping each other every five minutes, some of us are actually trying to get an education here other than a Planned Parenthood consultation.