Class of 2002 Disavows Jake Gyllenhaal

David Russel, senior class president for the 2001-2002 school year, broke down in tears after hearing “All Too Well (10 Minute Version)(Taylor’s Version)(From The Fault)” and resolved to take action.

“I couldn’t just sit by when I can take justice into my own hands,” he told us. At 2:30 am on the 12th, Russel convened an emergency meeting of the 2002 senior class council and quickly voted on a resolution to disavow Jake Gyllenhaal. It reads: “He may have dropped out, and isn’t really one of us. Nonetheless, we must distance ourselves even further from him. As such, the Class of 2002 Student Council formally proclaims that Gyllenhaal and his action do not speak for or represent the class, and he is unwelcome at alumni events.”

Gyllenhaal’s agent declined to comment.