I Thought My Roommate Really Liked Shrimp Poppers but She’s Actually Addicted to Poppers

Image by Jules Michaud

I just met my new roommate and she seems really cool! She’s always talking about different foods and fun cuisines. She recommended we have a poppers night, so I’m running to H-Mart to grab some pans. Thank goodness my roommate’s not kosher — I hope no one on our floor is allergic to shrimp! 

My roommate said poppers are vasodilators. I looked up what that meant, and she’s so thoughtful! I suffer from IBS, and my roommate is planning a whole night just to clear out my system! I’m bringing jalapenos because I like things spicy. Should we do a panko bread crumb? Golly, I can’t wait!

Boy oh boy, my roommate has so many non-kosher, fun, female friends over for popper night! One of them just barked at me, but I kind of liked it. They all have bottles of 5-Hour Energy, so I think it’s going to be a long night of poppers! 

Oh no, no one brought shrimp. It seems a little rude that I have to buy all the ingredients for popper night. My roommate told me that no one here was vegan, so maybe there’s an unspoken seafood allergy in the room. We’ll have to have a chat about that later. 

Two of the girls are kissing. It’s so beautiful how food can bring people together! 

One girl offers to make me sizzle. I love when shrimp poppers are so popping my whole body feels like it’s on fire! Or maybe it’s the jalapenos. Jalapenos really make me want to poop. I didn’t take the seeds out because I’m feeling a little frisky tonight. A girl told me she likes to be frisky too. I’m so excited to be making such quirky friends!

Oh wow, I didn’t realize my roommate was into gastronomy! She’s so innovative, the shrimp poppers she offered me are vaporized in a bottle. I knew I would encounter geniuses when I got into this elite school, but I didn’t realize my roommate would be one of them! Apparently, you can sniff these poppers instead of eating them! 

Wait a minute…this is a drug party, not a shrimp party!!!

Aw geez, I need to call my mom to ask if I’m allowed to try. A girl just shoved a 5-Hour Energy bottle under my nose. It’s not 5-Hour Energy, it’s poppers! I started to panic and take deep breaths, but I forgot the poppers were still under my nose!! Actually, this is kind of fun. I’m so lucky to have such a crack-a-lackin roommate.