Columbia to Distribute COVID Vaccine Based on Future Alumni Donor Potential

BREAKING — Columbia University has just announced that they will distribute their stock of the COVID-19 vaccine based on students’ future alumni donor potential. In an email to all of Columbia’s undergraduate and graduate schools, President Bollinger wrote  “After much deliberation, we have decided to give the vaccine in the order of how much money we think you’ll donate to Columbia after you graduate. So if you’re an econ major with a McKinsey internship lined up for this summer, you’ll be first to get the Pfizer jab. If you’re an English major, you’ll get the Johnson and Johnson vaccine in 2030.”

Based on these guidelines Columbia University will be prioritizing the business, law, and medical schools over Teacher’s College and the School of Social Work. Within the business school, students pursuing an Executive MBA will be prioritized over students studying non-profit consulting. Similarly, law students with an interest in corporate law will receive the vaccine before their public interest counterparts.

At the undergraduate level, most vaccine decisions will be made based on major. A leaked list of majors shows that economics, computer science, physics, and mechanical engineering students will receive the vaccine within weeks. Visual arts, complit, and music majors will be last. As of now, there is no plan to vaccinate Russian Literature students. “I mean, yeah, if we have leftover vaccines and we have to choose between giving them to the Russian Lit kids and throwing them out, we’ll give the vaccines to the Russian Lit kids. But only if it comes to that” said one administrator overseeing the process.

When asked if Columbia faculty and staff, especially those over 65, would get the vaccine soon, President Bollinger replied “There’s a 0% chance that our employees ever donate to Columbia University, so when you factor that into our system, they’re at the very bottom of the pile. Employees are even after the Russian Lit majors.” Bollinger did say that the university would allow faculty and staff to give up 20% of their salary for the next 10 years to be considered sooner. “If you make it 40%, we might even squeeze you in after we get most of the law school done” he added.

Students whose parents have donated over 5 million dollars to the university can get vaccinated tomorrow, regardless of school or major.