BREAKING NEWS: Seniors and Senior Night Attendees Allowed Back On Campus

AMITY HALL UPTOWN—After many delays and much trepidation for Columbia students, President Bollinger has announced plans for the upcoming Spring 2021 semester. 

In the lengthy email, Bollinger stated that due to health concerns, only select students would be allowed back on the 2nd best campus in the 3rd best city in the entire Tri-State area. “The rest,” he said, “can continue to rot in whatever hellhole they’re from.”

Among the students invited back on campus are CC and SEAS seniors as well as students who have attended Senior Night at a local UWS establishment. Bollinger stated that there will be robust testing and enforcement protocols for the returning students which he promised will be “more strict than the bouncer at Mel’s.”

When pressed for reasons, Bollinger claimed Senior Night attendees had shown the “fortitude, grit, and alcohol tolerance” which defines the Columbia community. He said further, “If they can withstand the deluge of bacteria that comes with a four-day weekend and crowded bars, I’m sure they can fend off any virus.”

Bollinger also felt it necessary to welcome back senior citizens to campus, so all GS students have the option for on-campus housing.

Finally, PrezBo announced that the entirety of East Campus would be reserved for Timothee Chalamet, “you know just in case he, like, maybe wants to come and chill. No pressure or anything.”