Student Who Took Shot Every Time an Email Said “Unprecedented Times” Just Now Emerges from Coma

Artwork by Zoe Davidson

On Wednesday morning, Tyson Huntington CC’22 woke up from a coma after consuming “an ungodly amount” of vodka that “no sane person would ever even think about drinking.” 

When asked to comment, Huntington told The Fed, “Back in April, I had just finished watching Tiger King and honestly didn’t know what to do next. I was already tired of baking sourdough and making whipped coffee, so I had to get really creative in order to keep myself entertained. In the end, I decided to take a shot every time I got an email saying ‘unprecedented times.’”

Huntington began the game on April 2. His parents said they found him passed out on the floor of his bedroom on April 3.

“We got several concerned messages from his friends when he stopped visiting their Animal Crossing islands, so we went up to his room to check on him. The sight brought me to tears: my sweet baby boy—lifeless!—one hand on his trackpad, the other on a nearly empty handle of blue raspberry Svedka. His screen was open to his LionMail account and he wasn’t responsive!” Huntington’s mother recounted.

“We didn’t think he was gonna make it,” his doctors said. “He stayed in a coma longer than any of our COVID patients. Thank God he didn’t also drink for the phrase ‘Now more than ever,’ or else we’d definitely be designing his tombstone right now.”