TRUMP NUKES PENNSYLVANIA: “Let’s see these motherfuckers count ballots now!”

At 12:13 PM Eastern Time on Thursday, President Trump unleashed the full might of America’s nuclear arsenal against the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. With Trump up five points and 92% of the vote in, this was the only course of action for the president to ensure no further votes were counted. Republicans are lauding the choice as consistent with both the President’s sanctified duty of suppressing voters and his historical mandate to use bombing to obscure incompetence.

Trump campaign manager Bill Stepien told The Federalist: “We believe in a fair election, which is why we let Pennsylvania count ballots for a whopping 40 hours before completely obliterating them.” When pressed on the issue, Stepien defended the President: “All those votes that are now gone would have gone to the President anyway, it’s just the principle of the matter.” 

In an ominous tweet, President Trump declared, “You’re next Georgia 😈.”

The Biden campaign, seemingly unphased by Trump’s threats, released the statement: “SMD, we still got Michigan 🤣.”